In middle school is when I started to worry about my body image. I dated this boy in 7th grade– I broke up with him because when we made out I could taste milk on his tongue. (I mentioned him a little in another post, too.) After I broke up with him, he started bullying me about everything.
When I would wear skirts, (jean skirts were all the rage back then) he would look under the lunch table and start laughing about how my thighs were so big; they touched each other when I sat down.
I was never in love with my body. I knew I was a little overweight at 5’1″ and 115 lbs. It was probably all the rice I ate growing up, lol. In 9th grade, I had access to this girl’s prescription Adderall. She hated taking them– she would just give them to me so that her family would assume she had taken them herself. I would pretty much take them everyday because that’s how she was supposed to take them; everyday. If I didn’t swallow one for a day, I’d swallow two the next day. I got into a fucked up situation when I ended up swallowing 6 (20 mg) at one time so that’s when I finally realized I needed to stop that habit.
But, before I realized I needed to quit, I had lost 15 whole pounds! Sometimes, when I weighed myself I wasn’t even 100 lbs! See, Adderall made me lose my appetite completely. Even a juicy, sweet apple would taste just like a cotton ball. I couldn’t and wouldn’t eat whenever I was on Adderall. I was actually happy and proud of myself for how much weight I had lost and I liked how I looked. But, since I had lost the weight so rapidly and unhealthily…when I started eating normally again, back to 115 lbs I went. I didn’t mind and never really worried about my weight for awhile though.
Then, when I started working at a peep show and had to get naked in front of strangers and they paid me for it…and later when I became a dancer, even more people paid to see me…yeah, they paid to see my body that I was never proud of…and then it was something I was and could be of proud of!
At first, I was happy with my body and I was never shy about taking my clothes off on stage. Then I started drinking heavily– I was always bloated and definitely had gained some real weight. I decided I needed to quit drinking and once I did I lost a pretty good amount of weight but I wasn’t exactly in love with myself. Dancing at work is a great workout but it wasn’t enough. I started doing a short YouTube exercise at home everyday for almost a whole year and now I can say that I am the proudest of my body I have ever been, I love my body, and that I properly worked on and got this body all by myself!
Of course, there are some days when I don’t feel that I look my best, especially after a big dinner– I can’t even find the courage to go to work because I’m too uncomfortable to prance around in lingerie. But, everyone has bad days and I’m happy to say I have more better days!
(Challenge #2 / Day #3)
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