If my first kiss was supposed to be with my first love, I fucked that up.

My first kiss was in the summer of 6th grade and the story is much simpler and a lot sweeter.

When I was in 6th grade, everyone had a MySpace and an AIM username. I was no different. Some of the girls in my class were adding this boy from a nearby elementary school. He had his, like, 4th grade picture as his profile picture on MySpace. One day, I received a friend request from him. I saw him on a lot of people that I knew in real life’s Top 8 lists. It wasn’t weird to accept and add other kids from the same school district anyways, since we would all be attending middle school and high school together eventually.

After he added me on MySpace, he found my AIM username on my page (of course I had it displayed on there. πŸ˜‰) He messaged me and we talked for a long time. He would message me everyday after school and we’d IM for hours. After awhile, he started calling me and we’d talk and talk and taaaalk… Sometimes until one of us fell asleep on the other.

I enjoyed his conversations so much. We still hadn’t met in real life but when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said “yes.”

We finally met near the end of the school year at a district wide Track and Field Meet. I caught a glimpse of him and immediately ran away, far away as possible. I went to do my first event and kept seeing him at his events. We were awkward little kids, you know? He made me nervous.

I also thought he just wasn’t as attractive as I expected him to be. I was a very shallow child.

But, I grew some courage and I walked up to him, said hi, and gave him a HUG before we all had to sit down to listen to the awards.

I guess he didn’t live too far from me and he decided to bike to my neighborhood a few days after the meet. I say “neighborhood” because I was not allowed to hang out with boys at that age. We met at a nearby park and hung out for a little while.

He biked me home from the park as I held on around his neck from behind, balancing on his pegs. He dropped me off right in front of my house, I didn’t want my parents to see but we did it anyways. He looked back and up at me before I jumped off his pegs, and we shared the softest, quickest peck. It was sweet. It was my first kiss.

Ah, now onto my first love. I could write a novel about him. But I’d rather not. We’ll call him J.

We had known each other since 7th grade, we even would hang out often back then when he dated my best friend (at the time) and I dated his.

I never noticed him. I never saw what my best friend at the time saw in him. He was nothing to me. After I broke up with his best friend because he tasted like milk (I hate milk), they started bullying me, a lot.

His best friend was the first boy who put his hand down my pants. (But not the first to finger me, lol.) Since he did this, he found out that I did not wear underwear. I read in some magazine that it’s healthier to not wear any (I still don’t!). I wore baggy sweatpants to school one day in 7th grade, trying to master that lazy look, and I guess the boy I was dating told J that I didn’t wear underwear… when I was at my locker, J pantsed me! I was butt-naked in front of everyone. I pulled my pants up. He ran around the lockers once, quickly, came back around… and pantsed me AGAIN. I was so embarrassed! Then as if twice wasn’t enough times for everyone to see my ass crack and vagina, he did it again. I still didn’t have what I needed out of my locker. 😩

I ran after him the 3rd time and a teacher saw us and I was almost in tears, I just shouted “he keeps pantsing me!!” and stomped back to my locker to get what I needed.

The next day, I was brought into the principal’s office. I was wondering how in the world could I be in trouble for HIM doing this to me? Though, in 5th grade I got in trouble with my best friend (at that time) when we pulled our shirts up to reveal our baby training bras during a Truth or Dare game on the bus ride home. So I thought oh man, I’m in trouble for “flashing” again. Lol.

They actually asked me if I wanted to sue him for sexual harassment. I didn’t.

In 9th grade, we enter high school.

We had 3rd period, Geography class together. On the first day of class, we were allowed to choose our spots but it would be our assigned spot for the rest of the trimester.

I didn’t know anyone except him. He nodded his head towards an empty spot next to him and I sat down. We laughed and joked around, a lot. We got separated to opposite sides of the room because we couldn’t shut up.

Eventually we started hanging out and dating outside of class. He told me that he’d liked me ever since he pulled my pants down in 7th grade, why else did I think he did it so many times?

I lost my virginity to him just one night after he asked me to be his girlfriend. At the time, I wanted to lose my virginity but I didn’t want a boyfriend. He told me he wouldn’t lose his virginity to me unless I let him be my boyfriend. So I agreed to it.

The next night he stayed at his best friend’s house who lived a good two miles from me but they snuck out and walked to my house when my dad fell asleep. I snuck them in and locked my bedroom door. We all smoked weed and watched videos on my laptop. When his best friend fell asleep we went into the walk-in closet and we lost our virginities together.

A couple weeks later he cheated on me with some bitch and took her virginity as well. I was so heart broken. But I had fun with him, I liked smoking weed everyday after school and hanging out with him and all his older friends. We didn’t break up. I got my revenge way more than once. He found out each time. Still, we stayed together. We stayed together until even after graduation. We got into a lot of heavy and horrible shit.

I learned of his rough and dark past. And how his current living situation wasn’t so good. Mine felt like it was deteriorating. I thought I needed him and that he needed me… I thought I’d be the one to save him. And that he’d be the one to save me. In the end, neither of us were saved. We were both drowning each other. One of the deans at my high school that dealt with J and me too many times to count told us we were both firecrackers. We would explode with just one flick. Two firecrackers makes a huge explosion. We weren’t good for each other.

I got my first apartment and I wanted him to live with me. To be there when I came home from work. But he never was. He would get bored and hang out with his friends and say he didn’t have a ride back to my place.

One day we decided to take the city bus and explore downtown Minneapolis. We went into SexWorld and I saw some girls behind a glass. There was a big poster that said “Always Hiring at Thee Dollhouse” I was very intrigued. I came home from my grocery store job and he wasn’t there. I was disappointed once again. I took some very innocent mirror pictures and sent them into SexWorld. I was going to work there and I didn’t care what J Thought about it.

They emailed me back the next day and I had an “interview” at noon. J had gotten dropped off at my apartment earlier that day and I told him about it because I was going to go. I told him I had to catch the bus to Minneapolis because I had an interview. He was livid. He texted my dad and told him I was going to be a prostitute… (like, are you serious?) He pee’d in my closet and carved “LOL” into my computer screen.

He wasn’t there when I got back from that interview. Just his mess was.

Guess what? I still didn’t break up with him.

Shortly after I got the peep show job I had enough confidence to audition at my first strip club. I got the job at a nice, fancy only topless cabaret.

I cheated on him with the DJ that worked there. I let the DJ finger me in his booth after some customers gave me Molly.

J had the keys to my apartment a couple days after I cheated on him and he wasn’t there to let me in when I got off work. I had to climb in through my window. I now had 3 jobs because I still hadn’t quit the grocery store. I was barely ever home. I did an early shift at the Peepshow the day after I climbed in through the window. I knew he’d come back there because he had my key. I wrote him the longest heartfelt breakup letter and I even felt guilty for breaking his heart even though he had broken mine a million times since the 9th fucking grade. I left the note on the bed in plain sight so he wouldn’t miss it. I told him to leave my keys and never come back, we were done. How could he have been so careless of me to leave me without a way to get into my own home? I was running out of patience for him and I knew it had to be done when I let that DJ in.

When I came home my keys were there and the letter was gone. This time, I didn’t freak out and call him to come back and beg for forgiveness like I had too many times in the past. This time I was done. I was relieved.



Thank you for stopping by πŸ’‹

15 thoughts on “Day 10: My First Love & My First Kiss

  1. Damn girl you’ve been through a lot! I feel like people always make mistakes to eventually learn how they deserve to be treated. Like you I did a lot of crazy things up till I was maybe 21ish. I was kind of an emotional mess but I didn’t make any changes I kept making the same mistake over and over. It’s so hard to not go back to what you’re used to. It sounds like things are better now though haha glad you finally put your foot down and made that choice to break up I never did until the boy either went to jail or moved away otherwise I’d probably still be in the same mess.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I don’t think we’d be able to see how much we really deserve unless we go through some things we don’t. It was definitely hard not to go back, especially after 4 years.

      Yes omg things are much better now lol I’m glad, too! 😊 I’m also glad all your no-good boys were either put in jail or moved away so that you were able to move on from them!

      Thank you so much for commenting, reading, and sharing a little bit of your experiences with me. πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—


  2. Wow, I wasn’t expecting to read the first love story that way. That was wild! I’m glad you finally got yourself out of that situation. I thought about my younger years also. A mess. I did have a laugh in the beginning remembering MySpace top 8s lol that was such a big deal back then

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I’m still glad everyday that I did, too. I think we were all a mess in our younger years though, am I right? Haha. Whenever I got mad at my friends I’d remove them from my Top 8 so they’d know, πŸ˜‚ I’m so happy that fad ended lol.

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting. πŸ’–


  3. Such an emotional post, I wasn’t expecting all that from a first love story. You’ve been through so much! We all find ourselves drawn back into certain people we know are toxic for ourselves. Good for you for putting your foot down finally and standing your ground! Better things will come

    Liked by 2 people

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